RockCreekPkMay13

When Your Doctor Says “Cancer” Part Three

When I was first diagnosed with low-grade prostate cancer, eight months ago, I noted that I would occasionally forget my diagnosis. Perhaps it was the immersive nature of teaching, the normal turns of a busy life. But I would remember, every few days, and it surprised me.

Perhaps the mind only lets us hold new realities for as long as we are able to hold them. Perhaps we know, deep down, we have to take small steps. That makes sense to me. It especially makes sense now, eight months later, as I see it change. For several months, I had these occasional “I have cancer” surprised moments. Today, they are not occasional. I don’t forget much anymore.

I’m not buried in the fact, in some depressing or heavy way. I just no longer forget and experience the reality coming into my mind like a guest. I know it. I know too that I am very fortunate. This cancer was discovered very early, without symptoms. I still don’t think this will be what takes me from this life. But no timing the doctors can give you is certain.

This knowledge has done some good. I reflect on “end of life” issues in ways that I didn’t before. I hear dates for various events in the future and I wonder if I will be alive to see them. These reflections are good. In some ways, I’m Meeting Bone Man in ways I haven’t yet met him. In my early poems about mortality, they were focused more on grief, experiencing the deaths of others. Now, I’m thinking about my own. And this is good. This is not terribly heavy or paralyzing.

When we know the shortness of our own lives, we can prioritize. There are events and concerns that come up in the daily run and walk of life that I know don’t matter much anymore. I just don’t spend time worrying about certain things because I know I can’t change them– or I don’t want to take the time to change them. I want to use time in other ways.

I’ve also given myself permission to rest. Living my life on the academic calendar, I’m given the intensity of a school year but also the freedom of breaks. This summer, my first with cancer, I’m taking walks, running on trails, going to bed early, reading what I want, even taking naps.

I wrote earlier of making my own life into a vigil, a night watch. I’m better now at looking carefully, taking time to listen in silence. All of this feels a little surprising, like unexpectedly hearing from an old friend.

 

Photo: Rock Creek Park, May, 2018

2 Responses to When Your Doctor Says “Cancer” Part Three

  1. jeanne June 13, 2018 at 2:49 pm #

    You have totally put into words our feelings as well. The end of our own lives is not something you really want to think about, but for our survivors and families it is ever so important. There are so many things you can complete before you get “to the push or shove” days when you absolutely have to make these decisions on such things as power of attorney, health care directives, end of life care, etc. It is definitely such a relief to have this all behind us and in place. Encourage everyone to get this done while you can. Wishing you our very best and keep taking care of yourself.

    • Rose Berger June 19, 2018 at 1:39 pm #

      Love to you Joe. Thank you for these reflections. And love to Robert. We are with you.–Rose and Heidi

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